Family Relations Week 10

 This week in my family relations class we talked about communication, and conflict. We were talking about when there is disagreements or arguments, and how to handle them. We read from the Doctrine and Covenants. There was a beautifully worded scripture that gave such good advice for resolving issues. D&C 121: 41-43 No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost. In the scripture it talks about coming to your partner with love and kindness. If you really think about and you are being honest with yourself, when you go to someone out of anger, saying you are trying to fix something, you rarely come to a solution. It’s much harder to see where you are coming from when you are scolding and arguing, rather than calmly trying to explain your perspective, and also being open and hearing your partner’s side as well. It also talks about reproving betimes, which means to pick an appropriate time when you think a conversation will be productive, and not just putting your partner down. And then it says when moved upon by the Holy Ghost. To me that means that we should be turning to the Lord with our concerns and feelings.  And we need to open ourselves up to receive revelation. And when we do, and we get an answer that is how you should handle it. Follow His promptings. Don’t confront your companion because your mad, that isn’t going to solve anything. Heed the council of your Father in heaven, and address it in the way he would want. I have heard these things before, pray about, be open, come from a place of love. I am pretty sure that we have all  heard these things countless times. But how often do we actually do it? I have tried to do it this way before. It is a much different experience. It is a much better experience, and yet majority of the time I don’t follow this advice. I know it is a better way, but a lot of the time I get mad, and I am coming from that place when I confront someone. I have heard these things, but I have never let them really impact me and take them seriously. I guess I’ve never actually considered the benefits, and also the negative consequences that come from not doing things this way. It can break up a marriage, if you can’t resolve conflicts. But even if your marriage doesn’t fall apart, it can lead to an unhealthy or unhappy relationship. I think even though all these things are pretty simple, they matter. They make a difference. Why would we ignore such little things That can make such a big change in our lives.

Later in class we talked about a more detailed way of addressing disagreements. Our teacher told us that when he has differing opinions with his wife, they schedule a time to discuss it. They start by each of them telling the other a bunch of things they love about each other. They say a prayer, and ask Heavenly Father what the best choice to make is. They discuss not what they want, but what they feel their Father in Heaven wants for them. They usually can come to some sort of a conclusion, and pray again to ask if that was the right decision, if not they do it again. After a decision is made, they end with refreshments. It is a simple enough approach. The one thing I thought was a little funny was that they end with refreshments. It seems a bit odd that treats are important enough to put in the routine of problem solving. But then after we were talking about someone made a point that it makes the whole thing more positive when you start and end on a good note. Start by expressing your love, and end by sharing in your joined love for ice cream. It is a nice way to end a disagreement. He even said that this is the process general authorities use, down to the treats. I think if I want to seriously improve my relationships, and not just in marriage, because I’m not married, but just in life. If I take this approach with friends, family, or any other loved one, there will be a much better outcome, and lead to a much better relationship.

Family Relations Week 9

 In class this week we talked a lot about stress, and how that can effect your relationships. The truth is, it is easy to keep things running smoothly when nothing ad is happening. It is when the trials and difficulties come that we really need to put what we have learned to the test. That is when things actually get hard. It makes me think of wat my mom always used to say to me when I was growing up, "It is easy to be nice to someone when they are being nice to you. It is a lot harder to be nice to someone when they are being mean to you, and that is when it really counts." There are reasons for our hardships and our tests. That is when your true character comes out. When you are stressed out, you are way more likely to be irrigatable, short tempered, and blame the people around. That is not very healthy for a relationship, specifically a marriage, but any relationship applies to that. It can be a lot harder to think of your partner when your mind is just so cluttered and overwhelmed. That is why it's so important that we learn to deal with it and handle our stress in a healthy way that does not damage your relationships. 

In class we talked about how stress can strengthen or break a relationship. That stuck out to me. It made me think of my own personal experiences. Now I am not married, and I also have never been in a serious relationship, so my experiences are slightly different than what we discussed in class, but it came to my mind and I thought I should share it. In my senior year of high school I had a friend who I got really close with. We started to hang out pretty much everyday, and it was very clear to everyone in our lives that we liked each other. He asked me out, and we went on one date. It ended badly. He was nervous, and started rambling. He said some things that bothered me, and the conversation just didn't go to well. We weren't yelling or even really arguing, it just wasn't what I thought would happen. I started over thinking everything. He was extremely close with my family and I didn't want to deal with them being so involved.  I didn't want to ruin our friendship. I didn't know how to be in a relationship with someone. There were so many thoughts going through my mind. I let my mind run wild, and I was super stressed about it. Instead of handling it the right way, communicating my concerns, and talking it out, I shut down. We had been friends for years, and after that night I decided I didn't want to be around him anymore. It wasn't fair to him, and it wasn't fair to me. I handled it in an immature way, and ended up ruining that relationship. So when we were talking about stress and how it can really impact the relationships in your life I knew that I needed to hear that and learn from it.

When you are in a relationship, and you go through hard things, it causes stress. But when you can figure out how to go through them together, you end up stronger for it. Don't shut down. Communicate your feelings and your frustrations. Come up with solutions together. And don't forget that you love your partner, and be patient with them.

Family Relations Week 7

 This week in my family relations class we discussed engagement. There were a lot of interesting things I learned. A lot of people get engaged with out actually talking about the things that matter. They think they are so in love that nothing can break them apart. But that is not true. There are important matters to be discussed before marriage. They should use the time during their engagement to clarify all those things. What will the family structure be like? How will they raise kids? Do they agree on all the rules of the house? Who is in charge if managing the money? Money can lead to a lot of fighting in the future, especially if it is not talked about before the troubles come around. I have always told myself I would never get married to someone I dated for less than a year. I want to really know the person. I want to have all of these conversations. I am the type of person who overthinks everything, and likes to plan. I just want to be sure, and I want to be prepared.

Apparently, there is research that shows that the more people you have at your wedding the longer the marriage. It presents the opportunity to show the bride and groom they have support as a couple, and not separate individuals. I guess I understand that, but it is hard to imagine. In my family this has not been the case. I know all research has its exceptions of course. My grandparents ran away from their families and got married with just two witnesses, and they were married for 76 years. My parents had a wedding, but the reception was small, it consisted of mostly just family. They have been married for 27 years and counting. You always pull from your personal experiences and forget sometimes, that there are other ways to do things. I never wanted a big wedding as a kid, and as I grew up I realized, that I actually don't want a reception at all. I decided I want to just get married in the temple with just my immediate family, and my husband's immediate family and that's it, maybe a couple close friends. I am not married yet or anywhere near that point in my life, and I understand that this may not happen. If a wedding was important to my future spouse or his family, then I would do it, but if it was up to me I don't really have the desire to have a big fancy wedding. It is a little ironic since my mom decorates weddings, and I grew up helping her. Maybe that is why, I have just been to so many I don't feel the need to have my own, I'm really not quite sure why. Anyway, I just found that interesting that research can say one thing, but it is never 100% right. There is no wrong or right way sometimes. You just have to counsel with the lord, especially about important things like choosing your eternal companion, and make the decision that is right for you.

Family Relations Week 6

 This week in our family relations class we talked about dating. We discussed how dating was now and back then. And not even that long ago, just the previous generation had a much different experience than the people my age. A lot of people now don’t really ever dine things. They just “hang out” for a long time, with out ever putting a label on it. They have a relationship with a lot of confusion. There is less and less of formal dating. People are taking the easy way out. There is no courting. There is no planning. People used to plan out these fun and exciting dates, and they just enjoyed each other and got to know each other. Now it’s always a text saying, “U busy? Wanna hang out?” It is a way for people to not commit to anything. There is no pressure and no expectations. People now think that you go on one date, and now you are in a relationship. You are boyfriend and girlfriend. It is kinda weird. I think dating should be fun and not too serious. A way to get to know people, and figure out different qualities that you do want to look for when you are in a more serious relationship. You should practice. It is important to know what kind of people you are compatible with, and what kind of people your are not compatible with. When you date people you can find those specific qualities that are important for you to have in a spouse. You also can just practice a lot of habits that you are going to want when you are married. In class our teacher was saying that it is a good way for guys to practice the three ps you find in the family proclamation to the world: protect, provide, and preside. They can practice presiding when they take responsibility for making the plans and putting action and effort into them. He practices providing by hopefully paying for the date, which doesn’t happen all the time anymore. And just to add, it doesn’t need to even be taking girls out to all the nice and fancy places. You can have an amazing date for super cheap or even free. Sometimes it just takes a little more time and thought. And the third p, protect, comes into to play, because I think they should not only be concerned with their dates physical safety, which is also important, but they should be worried about just how they are doing. Make sure they are having a good time. And the girls practice the nurturing that the family proclamation mentions, they have someone that they can care for. They should take a real interest in their dates worries and joys. They can care for them if something goes wrong. There are lots of different things that both the boy and girl should be doing. We need to remember that just because this is the way things are now, does not mean they are the way they should be. And it also does not mean you have to partake in it. If you want to have things be a certain way, than you can choose to act that way for yourself, and you can also be a good example to all the people around you.

Family Relations Week 5

 This week in my family relations class we discussed gender roles. We watched this video that talked about how we live in a sexist world, and gender roles are kind of pushed on people. Even if a parent tries to stay away from pushing a certain gender on to their child, it still usually happens in little ways that we do not always notice. For example, if you have a daughter and a son and they are sad and they cry, you are more likely to not only go to hold or cuddle the daughter quicker, but also for a longer amount of time. I don't think that that makes you a bad parent, or that you are forcing your child to be something they aren't. I believe there is a difference. Gender does make a difference. It also showed in the video, these young children and they separated them from their mothers. They put their mothers behind like a clear window thing to see how the children would react. It was interesting because the girls would just get sad and start to cry, and the boys would get aggressive and try to break the wall down. Boys are naturally more violent than girls. Not to say that every boy is a violent lunatic, or that there aren't violent girls too, but in general girls tend to be more calm. We also talk about different families tend to have different roles as well. A lot of my classmates were talking about how things work in their own families. Some people said that only the girls did the housework, like dishes, laundry, sweep, and mop, and other things like that. And the boy did all of the yardwork, mowed the lawn, chopped wood, and other things that usually require more muscle. Some people said in their families their parents made an effort to make sure all their kids knew how to do both kinds of things. When their kids moved out of the house, their sons knew how to take care of things and cook, and their daughters knew how to change a tire, and change the oil for their cars. In my family I have one brother, and four sisters. I grew up helping my dad with a lot of things that I guess would be considered more manly. I helped him build walls, shelves. We put tile down. We fixed up cars. I think I might have even helped him with that stuff more than my brother did. He helped do that stuff too, and I helped inside as well. I think we all mostly shared the work. I never thought of it before, but maybe the girls helped with that stuff more, because there are so many of us and only one boy. If it was split, would it I have help more just in the house and my brothers outside in the shop? It is interesting to think about. The truth is though, it is usually easier for boys to do the manual labor. They are built a little different, and usually physically stronger. And I also think girls are usually more thoughtful and caring. We are also usually better at keeping a house in order. Each person has their strengths and weaknesses. It doesn't make one better or worse than the other.

Family Relations Week 4

 This week in my Family Relations class, we talked a lot about culture. We had a reading assigned about different families in Mexico crossing the border and coming over to America. It was truly heartbreaking learning about all the hardships that those families endured, and for so long. We read about all the financial burdens, the families being separated for years at a time, legality issues, and the danger of the trip itself. And it's not like it has all stopped happening. It continues to this day. It seems strange to me that people would put themselves through it all. But then you hear them talk about wanting to to give their children, and their grandchildren, and all the generations to come a better life, and it becomes inspiring. So many people knowing the struggles to come decide that they will do the hard part, so their families can thrive in the future.

In class we actually acted out a scenario of a family who decided to cross over to America. We had parents with two daughters, and aunt, and a grandma. I played one of the daughters. It was interesting to me to really put myself in the shoes of someone in that family. When our teacher asked different questions, it made me think of how deep some of the effects could go. My pretend dad left to the U.S. first, and was gone for three whole years before the rest of the family could come join him. I didn't have my father in my life for three years. I've heard similar stories before and I think that it's sad, but when I was trying to actually be in that situation and answer questions about how it felt, it made me see it in a whole new way. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for so many families. My character was thirteen when her dad left. Her mom had to go to work to help support both households. Because of that not only did she not have her dad to turn to, but her mom wasn't around as much either. Her grades started dropping, she started hanging around a bad crowd. When they finally did move, her relationship with her father was strained. She was getting into trouble. It effected her in big ways. I felt bad for her and her family.

It's crazy to me the amount of people who do this. We briefly talked about this in class, but another reason it is a difficult decision to make, is because it can be very dangerous. People pay to get across the border safe, and the very people they pay will likely rob and harm them. I've hear a lot of stories about young women making the trip alone, because their husband and/or father left before them, and the get abused, raped, and even trafficked. It's scary to think about but it happens. We live in a world with some very sick people. It terrifies me, and I don't think I would ever be brave enough or have half the courage as some of these people. A lot of time the fathers and mothers can't even get a descent or stable job. They get taken advantage of, sometimes criminally, and they don't do anything about it because they are afraid of being deported. They live in bad areas, because it's all they can afford. They can't even communicate with most people, because of that language barrier. The families who go, are really risking everything to try and give their future generations a better life.

Family Relation Week 3

 This week in my family relations class, we talked about family dynamics. In class we had a demonstration of a little therapy session with a mom, dad, and young child who suffers from athsma attacks. Our teacher demonstrated how sometimes before getting to the actual problem itself, you can start off by just learning about the individual people. He was making connections with them. He asked what they do in a day. He asked about their personal struggles and worries, before even talking about the asthma. In just that little time of asking small questions, we learned that the mom and dad seem distant. The dad isn't around often, leaving the mom to do most of the work at home. The dad feels guilty about that, and is constantly worried about their son. The son seems to be closer to the mom, or at least rely on her more. He found all that out just by asking out their average day. You can learn a lot about someone and their relationships, by asking simple question. He was able to point out some of the observations made, and it allowed the husband and wife to see things differently. To look at things in each other's perspectives, and see what they are feeling and struggling with. It can make you feel more compassion and sympathy for the other person. It's a nice way to look at things, and I actually believe that if you applied that to your life, it could turn so many issues around. Learning to see things in more than one way, and see what the people around you are feeling would be beneficial in many situations.

We also talked a lot about the family systems theory. We learned about how the behavior of each family member defines your family unit. We talked about how each person has a different role in the family, and they all interconnect, and affect one another. There is a lot of influence held by each family member. I really liked the cake analogy, that was in some of our reading. There are a bunch of ingredients, eggs, flour, sugar, vegetable oil, that work together to make something beautiful, a cake. But one thing cake greatly effect all the others. The wrong amount of baking soda, even by just a little, will cause the cake to rise or fall improperly. Just like the actions, or attitude of one family member, influences everyone else.

Our teacher asked us in class this week, what's your role in the family? Are you the rebel, or the mini mom or dad? Are you the peacemaker, or the provoker? Every family has these different roles. Even as you list off some roles, most people probably have a person pop into their mind. I know I did. It makes me think of my own family. It changes at different times, but we always seem to have one rebel child. The one who chooses to live their life without the same standards or behaviors we learned growing up. Then there is my sister who never seems to be involved in the family drama. She keeps out of it and is just always on good terms with everyone. Then my other sister, who is a total mini mom. Then my parents who are the leaders of the family. And another sister who seems to love provoking people. There are many roles, and they seem to change over time. If one person starts to change their behavior, another one sometimes takes their role on. It's interesting, because in my own life I can see it. I can see how we all influence each other. I can take what we are learning in class and actually use it in my personal life.